Have you ever felt trapped? Trapped as in, like your spirit is trapped inside your body, like it constantly keeps screaming at you to set it free but your mind keeps you from doing so. I feel exactly like that…I feel trapped ALL THE TIME! People generally talk about the heart & the mind but I have a third being living inside me, my soul! So now I just don’t have to listen to 2 sides of an argument given by the heart & the mind but a third version too, which by the way, is not just a third version, but a completely different & bizarre NEW story! Yes it’s true! Its like when trying to decide what to eat, my head will say, “An apple”, the heart will say, “Go for a mango instead” and the soul will say, “Chuck it! Why eat at all!”
Some people might call it the ‘Instinct’ or the ‘Gut-feel’ but whatever it is, it surely ain’t making my life any easier! My ‘Gut-feel’ keeps telling me that I’m a non-conformist, that I’m different, that I’m capable of doing so much more with my life but my mind AND my heart make sure that I ignore these nuggets of wisdom & get burdened by the worldly pressures of being a conformist, doing the same old things, doing what is expected of me. I’ll give you a fresh example, it’s like 2 am in the night right now & that too on a weekday. So basically I’m screwed coz either I’m gonna be royally late for work tomorrow or will be found dozing off at my work station. Now, this is the logical reasoning my brain was trying to give me when I was lying down, trying to sleep, thinking about my ‘SOUL’ and fidgeting with the idea of writing it down. My heart on the other hand was just being lazy & telling me to put off penning this till tomorrow just so I wouldn’t have to get up to take out my laptop. And this poor trapped being (who btw NEVER considers itself poor & makes sure as hell to make its presence felt!) kept telling me to do it, no matter what happened at work tomorrow, even if I had to skip office altogether, but I should do it coz this was the most important thing, to write this down, lest I lost the trail of thought by tomorrow, lest I forgot about it later. This trapped being always tells me to do what I reeeeeeeeeeeeeally, deep-down-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach want to do! But still, almost always I choose to ignore it! I burden myself by becoming a conformist, who goes by the rules, does what is expected of her…in short, someone who always does the ‘Right’ thing. And almost always I feel an emptiness inside me, a restlessness that I’m unable to explain. I’m not at peace, my self-righteous mind is not at peace, my spoilt heart is not at peace and neither is the always-right, rebellious, centre of my being at peace. I don’t know then why I keep doing it? I feel like a coward when I’m unable to live up to my own expectations, my expectation to fight for myself & my happiness. I’ve ignored this for so long, that I no longer know what it is that will make me happy! Had I learnt to listen to this inner voice earlier, I might have been able to save myself a lot of shit. And now, after years of turning a deaf ear to it, I’ve finally succeeded at turning it mute. Now that voice is so low that even I can’t hear it. It’s only such rare, lucky moments, as tonight, that I listen & pay heed to it.
And I’m guessing that this would be a problem with most of us. We are always amidst the cacophony of so many of life’s priorities, trying to do things that would be acceptable to the world, that this small feeble voice, which otherwise should be the guiding force for us, gets suppressed….so deep down, that after a point we don’t even realize it exists.
The only ray of hope here is, that this ‘inner voice’ is a resilient bitch! It’ll wriggle its way through & one fine night, actually in the middle of the night to be precise, surface again & keep you up for 2 hours so that you end up looking stoned the next day at work!
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